Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

At Walmart during the holidays like..

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Shower sex be like:

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

i wonder why they stopped looking

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*