Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
You Might Also Like
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
584.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.