Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Banana is the quietest snack
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
technically true but not a great slogan
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?