Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
the three branches of government
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Pass gas, not judgment.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
A friend sent me this.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.