Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
WHO DID THIS?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
For when Tinder doesn’t work
