Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Stop sending me this shit.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.