getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
All generalizations are stupid.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.