getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.