getting old is fun
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
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“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
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Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”