Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo