Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig