Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.