Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
O Wise One….
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job