Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’m listening
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles