Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
With a text.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
