Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
wut hotdog?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.