Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help