Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.