Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

As the Lord intended

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.