Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
