Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
#merica
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know