getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*has no idea what a book even is*
