getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”