getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
