Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
How to make infinite energy.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I love the honesty
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake