Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Fun Things
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
When libraries troll their patrons.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Discuss
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The only equipped I am is ill.