Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
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