Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
(Electricians.)
