Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”