Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.