Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
His flabber was gasted 😂
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
How to walk around a museum
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up