Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.