Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless