Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
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I’m not stressed
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account