Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.