[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You Might Also Like
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.