[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.