[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]