[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
new record!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.