Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?