Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”