Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
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My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.