Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
seems fine
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
😭😭😭
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch