Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off