Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.