Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
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I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
oh my gosh!!
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Thoughts
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others