Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”