Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

I think this should do it.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.