[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
getting seasonal up in here
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras