@dannyboy7813

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

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@SignsofNature

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

@BonaFideIntent

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

@WorkingMom86

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

@envydatropic

My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..

@flashember

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@anerdonfire2

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days