[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…


I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??


My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.


My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..


[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]


I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.


You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.


I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.


Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days