I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
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I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days