Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Butt weight. There’s more!

it was a valiant fight

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

#merica

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.