Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?