Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations