Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?