Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.