Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

ok like just. call me at this point

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

A recipe for laughter