[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
