[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
bought wrong eggs
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Meow
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
