[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
