[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.