[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Jogging
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on