Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

I want to meet the individual who made this

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.