*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious