Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

new year update: losing everything but weight

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Pizza is an emotion right?

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.