Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

When libraries troll their patrons.

British websites use biscuits.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*