[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.