Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

thoughts?

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

You don’t even know