Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.