Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

favorite tropes as memes

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Have kids, they said