Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

i wish i could marry a nap

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Oceanography is all about current events

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster