Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

*exercises sarcastically*

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.