[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.