Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”