[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.