Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

i’m sure it’s fine

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Had a spot of bother earlier.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

I falcon love using swear birds

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?