Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*