[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
not for long
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Found the job I’m suited for
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.