Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!