Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”